Reality is defined as “the state of things in which they exist”, but with our ever pervasive need for change an evolution, can it be that reality can exist in different mediums? Has virtual reality taken the place of real-reality?
I can’t in good faith knock the whole online reality thing, nor can I knock the online dating thing. That is, after all how I met my boyfriend, but I will get to that in a moment. What I am sort of curious about is the current trend of people to date online and never want to meet in person. This goes along with the couples who meet online, date and then return to an online only relationship. When I first heard about this phenomenon, my brain nearly folded in, and after talking with several friends, and a few co-workers, I am still having a hard time understanding it. I knew I had to write about it. As The Tech Diva, it is my duty to understand why computers make people less sociable, and so as a true seeker of the truth and Google-fu master, here is what I found.
The History of Technology and Romance – a Tech Diva Perspective
In prehistoric times, early man and woman sat huddled in caves to share meals and bask in the warmth of the firelight. For entertainment, I imagine that they procreated, or fought and eventually learned how to make tools to draw art on the walls of their caves.
This being a tech blog, let’s talk about telecommunication in terms of it’s early forms. Cave drawings, glyphs and other forms of early man’s technology were all endeavors to express thought and emotion to each other. After caves, but before the internet, paper (papyrus) was created humans could not only share their thoughts, but these thoughts were now portable and able to be stored in order to refer to them later.
The love letter was probably invented during the time of the cave drawings, however writing to loved ones has grown and expanded over the course of our history to be many things. It is represented on paper, in monuments, art and through music. Today, the modern love letter is represented by text messaging and it’s formal companion, email as well as the occasional Hallmark card.
Poet John Keats (1795-1821) wrote to the girl next door, literally, Fanny Brawne. His writings to her are some of the most famous love letters in history. While he could not venture outdoors due to the tuburculosis that eventually claimed his life, Keats wrote with such passion and tenderness. Here is an excerpt:
“The more I have known you the more have I lov’d. In every way – even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex’d you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new.”
Keats left his home in search of better weather, and they parted. He died too young and she became Frances Lindon.
Modern Times – Global Social Networks
You may be wondering aloud at this point, “Tech Diva, why is this a technology subject? What does this all have to do with Virtual Reality? Stop whining and I will tell you!!
Something has happened in the world. We have reached some sort of shift in consciousness where people no longer have the need or urge to be in the same physical space with one another. This phenomenon is being talked about but no one is really saying what we are all thinking. With more and more technology, especially social sites, people have the opportunity to create global relationships, as well as meet people in their own local areas that they may not have met through the standard social circles. The goal of social networking is to “meet” new people, and yet, people can now talk to eachother from the same room and never speak one word aloud.
Internet Dating
A quick Google search turned up a whopping 7,150,000 results for “dating sites”. Along with 37,300,000 results for “social networking”. There are 1,407,724,920 internet users according to the Internet World Stats page. Human beings are both loner and pack animals. We seek to be social and meet other people in order to share insight, connect and create relationships. There are dating sites for every flavor of human relationship, from pen pal, to one night stand. There are also a handful of social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook and Second Life where people can meet, play and talk online. However, all of these are done in the virtual world and not in person. While people still go to bars, clubs and parties, many more are going exlusively to these sites and never leaving the comfort of their homes in order to find people to “be” with. Though the reality of the situation is that people are not “with” anyone and there are two things that are lacking in these “relationships”. These two things are the physical connection and the truth.
The Physical World
When two people connect online the entire connection is emotional and mental. Looking at things this way, it is not a bad thing at all. That said, there are so many aspects of humanity that involve physical interactions that these online relationships can be seen as lacking things like touch, eye contact and even the pheromone rush of smelling another person. While I can understand that emotional connections are extremely strong and often tender connections, humans are physical by nature. Studies have shown that premature children do not thrive in incubation without touch. We have also learned that the best comforts can be found in being held, hugged and even in observing and sharing smiles. When you take away three of the five senses, (smell, taste, touch) and leave only seeing (reading) and hearing (voice chat), we are left with a human experience that is devoid of the physical and based primarily on what one can see and hear. That leads to the second issue.
Truth is online relationships
When we are online, many people create persona’s that are geared toward meeting the type of people they would like to meet. These persona’s may have nothing to do with who they are physically. Once case study in this area has to do with relationships through chat and Second Life that are now becoming prevalent. In one article published on MSNBC talks about how people using Second Life Avatars can now not only create a fantasy persona but also can bridge the physical gap by having animated cyber sex. Is it infidelity if you are married or in a relationship? Can straight people have gay avatars, while remaining heterosexual in their first lives? If your avatar connects with an avatar of the opposite sex, but the real life person is actually of the same sex, does that make you gay? Yes, these may be stupid questions, but when you and the other person don’t know who either of you really are, is it a real relationship? According to Galen Heron the number one cause of Second Life breakups in infidelity within Second Life. So if some is married and one SL looking for love, and they cheat on their SL lover as well as their RL spouse, is it simply a case of Second Life imitating life?
The Tech Diva is not just beating up on Second Life users. In fact some of her friends are SL users. The issue also comes up in chatting, and dating sites. Online Dating Magazine has an article by Kelli Bailor on how to spot married men on dating sites. But men aren’t the only ones burning the online dating candle at both ends. Women are also on dating sites while in relationships though there is not a lot of information out there on how to spot them.
What we learned
I know that I have been a little heavy handed about internet relationships. However I am not altogether innocent. I will admit I have had online love affairs, have friends that I have never met that I talk to every day, and have even been on a dating site or two. True fact: I met my boyfriend online nearly two years ago. We talked for about two weeks through Match.com and through Instant Message and then decided to meet. The takeaway here is that we met, in person, and kept meeting in person, eventually moving in together. Not every online meeting ends in the people meeting in real life. I don’t agree that they should. However I also do not agree that people should stop meeting in real life when they feel the meet a person that they would like to connect with. They way I see it, the current trend reveals that people have begun to give up meeting someone in real life, or they are looking for anonymous casual relationships with “cyber perks”. Perhaps it is easier to just log off than to work at a relationship, but as we evolve through the digital age, I would hope that people would still prefer to use all five senses and not just hear and see through the loves of their lives.
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1 Comment
Thursday, June 5, 2008 at 11:01 am
In and out of relationships I like to look at dating websites. A lot of guys do it. I can’t speak for all guys but for me I do it because in a way it’s like dating all of those people without crossing over the line.